Thought Catalog: Signs You're a Premature Old Person

It's not secret that I'm addicted to Thought Catalog. Yesterday they posted an article "23 Signs You're a Premature Old Person." Of course, I had to look. It's an inside joke between my friends and I that I am either a 6-year-old, or I am 84. I am not the 21-year-old that I appear to be. It's all a sham. So I've picked out the signs that relate to me. Enjoy, readers.

2. You actively look forward to going to bed early and have been known to start getting tired around 11 on a Saturday night, because you’re up past your bedtime. Sometimes this Saturday night entails staying at home to feed your cat and hang out with your house plants.

You know that sensor in your head that tells you when you've slept to much? How most people can't sleep more than 7 or 8 hours? I don't have that. I have literally slept from 11pm until 6pm THE NEXT DAY. I call it hibernation.

5. Your TiVo or Netflix Instant Watch list includes lots of episodes of Antiques Roadshow, NCIS, Murder She Wrote, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, The Good Wife, The Voice, Castle, Bones, The View, Desperate Housewives, Unsolved Mysteries (which Lifetime airs reruns of!) and PBS specials, because dat Nova is “off the chain, yo.” Or something.

 The Good Wife is a good show. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS. Also I'm only slightly ashamed that I enjoy watching American Pickers with my dad.

6. You want to be Betty White when you grow up.

Is that something to be ashamed of? That broad is badass.

8. You always make people’s presents every year for Christmas. You think the homemade stuff is just more meaningful, and who doesn’t need matching bright red knit socks with their name sewn into them? Everyone wants that, even if they don’t know it yet. Also, great for Christmas: baking, which is great for every occasion. 

Guilty. I'm a stress baker. It's a condition. WebMD will surely be adding it to their list of afflictions soon.

9. You refer to Justin Bieber as “what the kids are listening to these days” and say things like, “When I was a kid, we had real music,” even though your music was probably more or less of the same quality. (90’s and early 2000s kids, remember we have the Baha Men, Lou Bega and Shaggy to answer for. It’s a lot to deal with.) You still don’t understand how LMFAO or Skrillex qualify as music. It just sounds like dying.

Remember when the biggest fight you had in elementary school with your best friend was about which Backstreet Boy was cuter? My "I <3 Nick Carter" sweatshirt says it all. Those were the days.

16. You’re always calling everyone “baby” or “honey” or “sweetie,” taking care of everyone and inquiring about their health — if they’re eating right, getting enough fluids and staying away from whatever Dr. Oz or Oprah say are bad this week. You also have most of Web MD memorized so you always think you’re coming down with something or dying. When people assure you that you aren’t, the answer is something like, “Are you sure? The internet says I’m dying.”

See above.

23. You once snuck coffee into a bar.

No, but I sometimes sneak my own liqueur into the bar.  It's just so expensive there nowadays! Also, since when is it not ok to take sugar packets from restaurants? I did this with my grandma as a kid and it was like 007. If they don't want you to take them all, why do they leave them out?